Oh, what a tough month it has been emotionally! A break up is like the longest roller-coaster and I am finally ready to get off it and move on to the caramel-ed apples. Leaving this ride behind will be a breath of fresh air from the barf bag the last 5 weeks have been.
There has got to be a positive side to this, right? But what is the take away from losing someone this way? What wisdom is there to gain? This person.. my person is gone and it wasn’t just in a moments whim. Slowly his fantasies and unrealistic expectations of who I am got too big for the reality of what I am actually capable of being. This isn’t a movie. I am not your character to write. In the end no matter how much he wanted me to become his fantasy I just couldn’t .. I will always just be myself. I will always, in the end just be me and… the truth is JUST ME is not enough for him.
You know what’s surprising? Not being enough for him is ok to me now. Because I don’t have to be enough for him… because I am enough for me. I am absolutely NOT trying to pretend like I am perfect and he is a monster. He is not a monster, he is just a man. (His insane expectations of what women are will lead him to disappointment until he figures it out but that is none of my business.) The truth is we both are just as fallible as the next people we will each date. The difference is, and why I was so mad (enter bitterness) these last 5 weeks…. I felt I was willing to work harder. He was willing to ask me to work harder while not bothering do any hard work for me himself. Pointing out the missing spots is not the same as grabbing the paint brush and helping out. (Exit bitterness).
Interestingly, there actually are a lot of positives to gain from lost love. Some of them are so obvious now, but have been hidden for the last 4 years. Hidden behind the blindfold I chose to put on in order to love him with my whole heart. I think every relationship as some “looking the other way” in order to get along. The positives look like whatever I want them to be. I get to be me again… The vacation was fun, but now that its over I am glad. I am ready to go home and be somewhere familiar again. For the first time in my life I actually feel really good and comfortable alone! I also feel so good in the presence of my family and friends.
My people, my REAL people are the people in my life that understand the meaning of unconditional love. I am ready to be loved without conditions of becoming someone I am not. (I suspect he is too).
The roller coaster ride that was our relationship is now over! I regret nothing and it wasn’t wasted time. It was a really fun vacation… some hardships… we got lost and found our way, we got frustrated and we laughed. Now its time go home.
It’s time to be me. I am ready to embrace my body and run because I love to run. I am ready to make jokes and enjoy myself. If seeing the positives in that aren’t enough I assure you there are more if you just keep digging with in yourself.
This relationship has taught me so much about myself and about who I want to be with in the future. Boy oh boy did we get close this time. I really thought this was the one guys. We were going to get married and do the whole shebang.
It is easy for me to sit here and smugly bitch about him asking me to change…. when being with me (and my kids) was me asking him to change. The whole relationship was a tug-o-war of each of us needing the other to bend to our lifestyles and in the end, well neither of us and both of us won. If you asked him he would not say he regrets our relationship. He would say he regrets we couldn’t work it out and I do to. But when lifestyles are as vastly different as ours how could it ever work without one of us changing completely? I do see us being friends in the future. Not now of course. I am still in the “his face is stupid” phase. But soon enough I will be in the “his face is familiar I can’t believe I used to think he was hot” stage that I always inevitably get to with exes.
From my heart I want to say thank you for the last 4 years. All in all they were awesome and so much fun. I will really miss and cherish those days. I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope I find what I am looking for. I hope we heal quickly and move on with minimal pain. I hope I forget how hurt and mad I was and I hope someday when I look at you, I just see my friend.